1 banc

[Paulp]

La stareţa unei mănăstiri de maici se prezintă sora Maria, dornică să se dedice cu totul vieţii monahale. Maica stareţă îi spune de la început:
- Mănăstirea noastră are o regulă foarte strictă, numită proba tăcerii. Poţi să rămâi aici cât doreşti, dar nu ai deloc voie să vorbeşti decât dacă îţi dau eu voie.
Sora Maria acceptă şi rămase în mănăstire. După 5 ani, maica stareţă o cheamă la ea şi îi spune:
- Iată, eşti cu noi de 5 ani de zile. Ai voie să spui două cuvinte.
- Pat tare, spuse sora Maria.
- Regret să aud asta, răspunse stareţa, o să-ţi dăm un pat mai bun.
După alţi 5 ani, iarăşi o cheamă stareţa la ea şi îi îngăduie să spună încă două cuvinte.
- Hrană proastă, spune sora Maria.
Maica stareţă o asigură că hrana va fi mai bună în viitor, şi mai trecură încă 5 ani. După al 15-lea an, maica stareţă o chemă din nou şi îi ceru să spună 2 cuvinte.
- Eu plec, spuse sora Maria.
- Probabil este cel mai bine, răspunse stareţa, şi-aşa n-ai făcut decât să te plângi de când ai venit aici...

[crettz]

1) Cum opresti un tanc albanez? SIMPLU!!!...il impusti pe ala care il impinge
2) De ce oltenii nu pun si nu mananca niciodata castraveti murati? Nu le incape capul in borcan

[adispan]

Se organizeaza o licitatie de proiecte pt construirea unui pod peste Canalul Minecii; in finala raman americanii, japonezii si romanii; primii vin americanii:
- Noi o sa aducem echipele de constructori, materialele si tot ce e necesar, pornim de pe ambele maluri simultan, si urmarim evolutia lucrarilor prin GPS; ne intilnim la mijlocul drumului cu o eroare de maxim 1-2 metri
Japonezii:
- Si noi aducem echipele si materialele pe ambele maluri, avem experienta la proiectarea anti-seismica, urmarim lucrarile din satelit si ne intilnim cu o eroare maxima de 1-2 centimetri!!!
Romanii:
- Si noi folosim aceeasi tehnica, oameni si utilaje pe ambele maluri si ne apucam de treaba
Juriul:
- Pai si cum urmariti lucrarile???
- Nu le urmarim; daca ne intilnim, bine, daca nu, o sa aveti 2 poduri!!

Adi

[Maddogul]

Tare rau daia avem noi cate 2 poduri nu? =))
Cu Stima

[Zanga]

Naratorul: Oastea otomana vrea sa intre-n tara,
Unii n-aveau viza si-au ramas pe-afara;
Dar Mihai Viteazul, cum a prins de stire
Pleca sa-si adune brava lui ostire!
Mihai: Pircalabe Voinea... scoal' ca te plesnesc!
Unde sunt Buzestii?
Voinea: Pai, stai sa ma gandesc...
Stroe e la bingo, Preda e la meci,
Radu-i beat manga, da la ratze-n beci.
Mihai: Du-te si aduna-i cum ti-am ordonat,
Turcii dau navala, suntem in c...t!
Naratorul: Oastea se aduna din munti si paduri,
Jumatate-s crita, restul sunt mahmuri.
Cu manie surda Voda ii priveste
Si prin portavoce astfel le vorbeste:
Mihai: Bai armata... a 14 a,
Hal de bravi eroi,
Asta e tinuta?!?
Ce e ma pe voi?
Ia uite, ala-si sufla mucii in caciula!
Vezi sa nu te-mpiedici, c-ai sa cazi in p... cap!
Uite care-i smenu, de ce v-am chemat:
Turcii vor in freza, nu s-au saturat.
Luati aminte bine, e si 43,
La si 51 casunati pe ei!
Mihai over.
Naratorul: Oastea otomana s-a oprit deodata,
Caci in fata-i voda, cu a lui armata.
Sultanul: Te-ai tampit ghiaure, calea de ne-o tii:
Suntem doua sute patruzeci de mii!
Mihai: Ei, part...
Sultanul: Si-ai sa-mi sugi turbanu'
N-ai decat trei sute!...
Mihai: Trei sute, da' rai!
Sultanul: Rai!!...
Mihai: Ala, de exemplu, se numeste Ghita,
A taiat pe ma-sa, ca nu-i da halvita.
Cei din Atlantida ne-au amenintat:
L-am trimis pe Ghita si i-a scufundat.
Si acum trei zile a fost in Vietnam.
Sultanul: Vietnam nu exista!
Mihai: Pai eu ce ziceam!
Sultanul: Mama, i-a taiat pe toti!
Mihai: Alalalt e Mitu,
Mananca spahii.
Sultanul: Spaghete mananca!...
Mihai: Cati ai tu acolo nu-i ajung o zi.
Sultanul: Nu-i ajung ca n-am ketchup!
Mihai: Insa cel mai tare si cu brat de fier
E Preda Buzescu, bravul meu boier!
Sultanul: Daca-i asa tare precum zici mata,
Pune-l sa se bata cu Mehmet Aga!
Daca-nvinge-al vostru, fac stanga-mprejur,
Daca nu, va prindem si v-o trag la c... moaci.
Mihai: Au, moaca mea!
Naratorul: Turcu scoate-o drujba.
(Pe semne uitase
Ca benzina inca
Nu se inventase!)
Preda ca un ninja intr-o pluta sare,
Scuipandu-l pe turc intre felinare.
Turcu' lua cutitul si urcand pe pluta,
Scrijeli "Hai LIBI AMR 100".
Preda-i sare-n carca
Se trantesc prin iarba.
Turcu: Ba, trait-ar mata
Nu ma lua de barba!
Preda: Du-te ba-n fasole, de spahiu borat
Nu face cu curu, ca ti-l bag pe gat!
Naratorul: Ei se bat de-o ora si nu se razbesc;
Voda si sultanul se cam plictisesc
Si o pun de-o tabla sus pe o caruta
Turci si ghiaurii o pun de-o miuta.
Mihai: Ia zi, mai sultane, vii din Istambul;
Care mai e pretul, vreau sa-mi iau un ghiul!...
Sultanul: Trimite-ti nevasta si-ti aduce-o suta
Nu trebuie sa ceara, ci doar sa se f... plimbe!
Noi luam prin razboaie aur de la voi
Si-ale voastre fete il aduc inapoi.
Noi luptam cu mana, ele din picioare
Si astfel prospera ambele popoare!
Naratorul: Ei il vad pe Preda cum paseste-incet
Tinand in stanga capul lui Mehmet...
Sultanul: Ai invins, ghiaure!?!
Preda: Doar din intamplare.
Si-a luat singur gatul
C-a facut prinsoare:
Eu i-am zis ca-i homo,
Dansul a negat;
Mi-am dat jos nadragii
Si n-a rezistat!
Si acum ma cam doare...
Mihai: E un gest frumos
Pentru tara sfanta
Sa te doara-n dos!
Pleaca, dar, sultane;
Loc de tine nu e.
Ca va taiem capul
Si va dam si m.... palme!
Du-te la ostire,
Spune ca ghiauru;
S-a batut cu turcu'
Si l-a-nvins cu c.. spada!

[Zanga]

DIN CATEGORIA Ultimele cuvinte au fost :
- Nu e ceea ce pare, e numai o colega de serviciu...
- A, e numai un pistol de jucarie!
- Arunca-mi odata toporul ala!
- Pe aici baieti, nu este mocirla!
- Daca îmi crapa iarasi Windows-ul, ma împusc.
- Rechinas, rechinas...
- Focurile de artificii arata mult mai bine de aici, de aproape...
- Buna ziua, suntem de la Garda Financiara...
- Ce miroase a gaz si ce întuneric e...
- Tata, de ce mi-ai pus marul pe cap?
- Uite! Acum nu mai curenteaza...

[Paulp]

Un suporter stelit a fost intrebat:
- Daca ai fi inchis intr-o cusca cu un leu, un sarpe veninos, un suporter dinamovist si ai avea o pusca cu doar doua gloante, ce ai face prima data?
- Pai l-as impusca pe dinamovist ............. de 2 ori!

[Zanga]

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.

The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.

Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

[catalin40A]

TARE TARE TARE !!!!!

[Huffy]

Un copilas ii scrie lui Mos Craciun:
- Trimite-mi un fratior.
Mos Craciun raspunde:
- Trimite-mi-o pe maica-ta!

[zuza]

Presedintele Bush si secretarul de stat Colin Powell stateau într-un bar. Un tip intra
si îl întreaba pe barman: - Nu-s aia presedintele Bush si Colin Powell acolo, la masa?
- Da, ei sînt, raspunde barmanul. Asa ca tipul se duce la cei doi si le zice: - Ce
onoare, pentru noi, ce faceti aici? - Planuim al treilea razboi mondial, zice Bush. -
Serios? Si ce o sa se întîmple? - O sa omorîm 140 de milioane de irakieni si o blonda
cu tîte mari, zice Bush. La care tipul: - O blonda cu tîte mari? De ce o blonda cu
tîte mari? Bush se întoarce spre Powell, îl bate pe umar si zice:
- Vezi, ba, desteptule, ti-am zis eu ca n-o sa-i pese nimanui de 140 de milioane de
irakieni!

[Mihai L]

Proaspat primit pe mail:

Reclame DACIA:

Noul Logan break. Frigider pe roti, acum si cu congelator!
Furgoneta LOGAN. Nimeni nu o sa o aibe mai mare ca tine.
Tehnologie anti-radar. Toate muchiile ascutite, toate colturile drepte.
Proces modern de fabricatie : Doar la Dacia munca manuala primeaza si fiecare Logan este un unicat!
Garantie : 6 ani la vopsea, sau pana la prima spalare.
Leasing avantajos : Alege finantarea cea mai lunga si lasa-i pe nepotii tai sa achite majoritatea ratelor.
Si in final ...o faza reala : Nu lasati cheia in portbagaj deoarece este necesara la deschidere (instructiuni de utilizare Logan pag 3.17)

P.S. Inca nu sunt convins ca trebuia postat aici sau la discutia despre Logan... :icon_mrgreen:

[verga_Cip]

SUPER............. :MDR54:

[Zanga]

foarte tare ala cu loganu' :icon_mrgreen: :icon_mrgreen: :icon_mrgreen: :icon_mrgreen:

[Paulp]

Care e diferenta dintre un set de anvelope si 365 de prezervative ?
-Anvelopele sunt GoodYear, dar cele 365 de prezervative sunt un Very GoodYear.

[Paulp]

ELE isi gauresc corpul sa-si bage cercei peste tot, isi fac tatuaje, operatii estetice, nasc, fac cezariene, isi fac lipo, isi micsoreaza stomacul, isi scot coastele, isi leaga trompele, isi opereaza sanii, isi baga silicon prin toate partile, se depileaza cu penseta si cu ceara fierbinte, isi scot cutaneea, isi scot sprancenele, isi perforeaza urechile si cand le propui un sex anal spun ca le doare!

[Paulp]

Omul din Neanderthal o intreaba pe femeia lui:
- Te culci cu mine?
- Nu!
- De ce?
- Nu am chef!
Ia omul paru' si ii da una zdravana peste cap.
- Acuma te culci cu mine?
- De ce nu!?!
- Ma doare capul.

[Paulp]

O femeie se plange alteia ca sotul ei nu mai vrea sex si cum vine acasa o
intreaba doar: "ce avem de mancare?"...
Cealalta ii zice: "Draga, am avut si eu problema asta. Nu e grav... imbraca
niste chiloti negri, cu dantela, o palarie neagra, ciorapi negri, chestii si
il astepti in usa, sexy asa... si se rezolva...
A doua zi se intalnesc din nou... "E, cum a fost?"... "Am facut exact cum
mi-ai spus, chiloti negri, dantela, palarie sexi... ce sa mai... bomba"...
"Si???"...
"Si cand a deschis usa mi-a zis: "Zorro, faci si tu ceva de mancare azi???"

[DanielT]

Jurnalul unei sotii:

Ziua 1:
Azi am sarbatorit 25 de ani de casatorie...si nu prea a fost prea mult de sarbatorit. Când a venit momentul sa retraim noaptea nuntii el s-a închis în baie si a plâns.

Ziua 2:
Azi el mi-a zis ca are sa-mi zica un secret. Mi-a zis ca e impotent si doreste ca eu sa fiu prima care afla acest lucru. De fapt nu mi-a zis nimic ceea ce nu stiam! De fapt el crede ca nu am remarcat înca acest lucru.

Ziua 3:
Casatoria noastra e pusa în dificultate. O femeie are dorinte. Ieri am vazut un film erotic si am izbucnit în plâns.

Ziua 4:
S-a întâmplat o minune! Pe piata exista un nou medicament care îi va rezolva "problema"...se numeste Viagra. I-am zis ca daca va lua Viagra totul va fi ca în noaptea nuntii. Cred ca asta va avea un efect pozitiv. I-am înlocuit calmantele cu aceasta Viagra în speranta ca îi va creste si altceva decât pofta de mâncare.

Ziua 5:
Ce fericire!!!

Ziua 6:
Ce fumoasa e viata!!! Dar e totusi dificil sa scrii când faci asta.

Ziua 7:
Cred ca Viagra asta i se ridica la cap. Ieri am fost la McDonalds si vânzatorul m-a întrebat daca vreau un Big Mac. El a crezut cca e vorba de el. E totusi dragut. Nu cred ca am fost mai fericita vreodata.

Ziua 8:
Cred ca a luat prea multe pastile la weekend. Ieri în loc sa tunda gazonul a scos morcovii din gradina...folosindu-si noul lui prieten. Pe mine ma doare un pic locul ala.

Ziua 9:
Nu am vreme sa mai scriu. S-ar putea sa ma prinda.

Ziua 10:
Bine, trebuie sa recunosc: ma ascund de el! Vreau sa spun ca nici o femeie nu ar putea mai mult decât atât. Cred ca lucrurile se înrautatesc. El îsi ia acum pastilele cu coniac. Ce sa ma mai fac? Ma simt ca întepata de cuie pe tot corpul.

Ziua 11:
Ma simt de parca as fi ametita. E ca si cum ai trai împreuna cu o masina de gaurit. Azi dimineata m-am trezit lipita de pat. Ma dor pâna si subtiorile. El e un porc.

Ziua 12:
Îmi doresc ca el sa fi fost homosexual. Am încetat sa ma mai machiez, sa ma mai spal pe dinti...el e tot timpul în urma mea. Pâna si cascatul a devenit periculos...

Ziua 13:
De câte ori închid ochii urmeaza un atac prin surprindere. E ca si cum ai dormi cu un crucisator în pat. Am probleme la mers si daca el mai încearca o data treaba aia o sa-l ucid cu mâinile mele.

Ziua 14:
As face orice sa-l pot opri. Nimic nu mai functioneaza. Am început sa ma îmbrac ca o calugarita numai spre a-l opri dar asta îl atâta si mai tare. Ajutooor!...

Ziua 15:
Cred ca totusi o sa-l omor. Ma înteapa orice lucru pe care ma asez. Pisica si câinele nu se mai apropie de el. Nici prietenii nu ne mai viziteaza. Noaptea trecuta i-am zis sa se fu*a singur...si a facut-o...

Ziua 16:
Nemernicul a început sa se plânga de dureri de cap. Îmi doresc sa-i explodeze scula. Cred ca o sa-i propun sa treaca din nou la calmantele lui.

Ziua 17:
A încetat sa mai ia Viagra dar nu-si face efectul. Doamne! iar vine înspre mine!...

Ziua 18:
A trecut din nou pe calmante. Puturosul iar sta înfipt în fotoliu la televizor cu telecomanda în mâna asteptând ca eu sa fac totul în casa. Ce fericire absoluta!!!

[Zanga]

O tipa maritata, intr-o seara cand sotul era plecat facea sex cu 3 indivizi in acelasi timp. Pe masa numai cocaina, asta din cand in cand se mai oprea si mai tragea pe nas, orgasme multiple, delir ... La un moment dat, usa se deschide la perete si intra barba-su. Cu ultimele puteri si in culmea placerii ea se apleaca, mai trage o data pe nas dupa care se uita la barba-su si zice: - Si acum iar incepem: banuieli, ... suspiciuni...

[Zanga]

being british


Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...

Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain .. do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.

[Ecstaz]

In cazul in care ati vazut luni tradati in dragoste o sa va amuze


Doua prietene stateau de vorba.
- Te-ai uitat vreodata in ochii sotului tau in timp ce faceai sex?
- Da.
- Si ce mutra avea?
- Statea in usa ca prostul!...

[Zanga]

Top 16 Things Bill Gates would change about the Automotive Industry


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill Gate's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker - a first.
14. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
15. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
16. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

[Zanga]

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car


10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

[Zanga]

Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Buy a SUV


10. EVERYONE ELSE drives one!
9. Too much vehicle for too much money.
8. Sucks more fuel than...well it just sucks!
7. Are you REALLY going to take that shiny new $40,000 SUV off road?
6. How can you "rough it" with a leather interior?
5. They're just cheap pickup trucks with back seats for an extra $20,000+.
4. They're too dang big!
3. Inferior overall safety.
2. Just like Chevy Chase's Family Truckster Wagon, except with four wheel drive.
1. Lemmings drown!

[Zanga]

Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur


10. Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.
9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4x4 pickup truck frame.
8. Thinks "roughing it" is camping at a KOA campground.
7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.
6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.
5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.
4.Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).
3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.
2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.
1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.

[Zanga]

How To Identify A Driver's Home


* One hand on wheel,
* One hand on horn: New York
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
* One hand on wheel,
* One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel,
* One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel,
* One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
* One hand on wheel,
* One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
* One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
* Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
* One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

[Zanga]

Automobile Manufacturer's Acronyms


ACURA

Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
A Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?
Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead

AMC

All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Moron's Car
Another Major Catastrophe
Another Mess of Crap

AUDI

Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BEETLE

Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Break My Window
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Butt Ugly Import Car Killer
Butt Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky
Built Under the Inspection of a Crazy Korean
Bought Understanding It Can't Kickbutt

CADILLAC

Crazy Aunt Drives It Like A Lunatic Across the Country
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer

CAMARO

Can't America Make A Real One?

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Rattle On Long Trips
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle Over Loud Engine Tapping
Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Runs On Luck Every Time

CHEVY

Charged HEaVilY
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Cruddy Hick Engine Very Yucky
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Yearly

CHRYSLER

Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likeable Engineering Research
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair

CHRYCO

Cherry Hot Rod You Can't Outrun
Chrysler Has Run Your Chebby Off

CITROEN

Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters

DATSUN

Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips

DODGE

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
Death Overcomes Driver's Generous Ego
Driven Only During Grey Evenings
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Department Of Defense's Grossest Error
Don't Over Drive Gutless Engine
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Garage Experiment

Edsel

Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT

Failure In Automotive Technology
Fix It Again Tony
Fix It Alltha Time
F**ked In the Ass Twice
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD

F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Flip over read directions
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Rockville Dump
Fails On Rainy Days
Fastest On Race Day
Fastest On Road Daily
First On Race Day (proven false)
Fourth On Race Day (of the "Big Three", fourth is pretty bad!)
First On Recall Day
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Found On Road Dead
Found On Rubbish Dump
Four Old Rusty Doors
Fool Only Runs Downhill (expletive replaced)
Driver Returns On Foot (backwards)
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
F'in's Owner's Really Dumb
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Freaky Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
Fork Over Repair Dough
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Forward Only, Reverse Defective
Forced On Reluctant Drivers

GEO

Get Everyone Out
Grotesque Engineering Outdated
Getting Even Ourway
Got Engine, Oh?
Get 'Er Outtahere
Good Engineering Overlooked

GM

Get a Mopar!
Grungy Merchandise
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Gluteus Maximus
Grossly Misconceived

GMC

Garage Mechanics Companion
General Mass of Crap
Generally Mediocre Cars
Got a Mechanic Coming
Got More Crap
Get More Chicks
Great Muscle Cars
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

GTO

Get Tickets Often
Get Tires Often

HONDA

Helping Out Nips Destroying America
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Had One Never Did Again
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

IROC

Idiot Runs Over Cats
Ignorant Redneck Owns Car
I'm Really Out of Cash
Italian Retard Out Cruising
I Race Other Cars
I Race On Credit
I Run Over Children
It's Really Only a Camaro

JAGUAR

Jags Always Guarantee Unlimited Astronomical Repairs

JEEP

Just Eats Every Part
Just Everyone Elses Parts
Just Empty Every Pocket
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

LTD

Long Term Debt
Lousy Transportation Dammit
Long Term Disability

MAZDA

Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along
Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
Making A Zillion Dollars Annually

MERCEDES

Money Envy Reliably Causes every Derogatory Expletive to Surface

METRO

Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle
Mileage's Everything; Torque, Running's Out
Mangey Environmentalist Transporter Rusts On
My Endeared Transportatin Rusted Out
Martha, Every Thing Rattles Off!
May Every Thing Rattle On
May Endure Teasing, Ridicule, and Ostracism

MG

Might Go
Mobile Garbage
Money Guzzler
Money Grabber

MGB

Might Go Backwards

Miata

My Intention: Always To Accelerate

MITSUBISHI

May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents

MOPAR

Made Of Plastic And Rubber
Most Often Passed At Races
Most Often Proven At the Racetrack
Most OverPowered And Respected
Massively OverPowered And Respected
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mounds Of Power And Revs
Move Over, Pentastar Approaching Rapidly
MOst Perfect Automobiles for Racing
Masters Or Performance and Racing
Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Old Pig Always Roars
My Old Plymouth Ain't Runnin.
More Overall Performance And Reliability
Mostly Obsolete Parts Assembled Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
My Only Problems Are Repairs
Move Over People Are Racing

MUSTANG

Massively Ugly Sh*tpile That's Always No Good
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

NISSAN

Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan
Now in Stupid Shape, Always Nasty

OLDS

One Leak, Dead Starter
Older, Louder, Dumber, Slower
Obnoxious, Loud Death Sled

OLDSMOBILE

Oh Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO

Put In Nickel To Operate
Performance Is Not The Object
Put In New Transmission Often
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Pyrotechnics Is Naturally The Object

PLYMOUTH

Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!
Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC

Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine
Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have 'Em

PROBE

Plainly Runs Only By Exception

RENAULT

Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back
Slick As A Brick
Swedish Auto - Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Swedish Auto's Are Best
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backward

SATURN

Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice

SUBARU

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
U R A BUS (read backwards)
Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All
Transportation Of Young Or Tasteless Airheads
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH

The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

STP

Stop Those Pistons

NAPA

Never Any Parts Available

[Zanga]

Henry Ford


Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world !!!!

"As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says ... "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.



The Vaseline Corvette


A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."



The Elephant And The Ant


An elephant and an ant are walking through the forest when the ant falls into a deep pit. The ant cries out to the elephant to get him out of the hole. The elephant sticks his penis into the hole, and the ant uses it to get out of the hole. They continue walking when a short time later, the elephant falls into a deep hole. The elephant cries out to the ant to help him get out of the hole. The ant gets a Porsche and throws it into the hole. The elephant than uses the Porsche to climb out of the hole.

The morale of the story: If you have a big penis, you don't need a Porsche!

[Cif]

cica un tip pe autostrada mergea cu 100 mph. vede un indicator cu: SPEED LIMIT 60. constiincios tipul incetineste la 60 mph. dupa un timp alt indicator: SPEED LIMIT 25. se enerveaza tipul dar de frica radarului incetineste la 25. dupa ce mai merge el asa vede un indicator maaare: WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT.

ALTU'

pe strada trecea o pisica hipioata. o vede o batranica si-i zice pis-pis-pis.. la care pisica ridicand 2 degete ii raspunde: peace maica, peace