Coltul vesel

[vane]

Postul e copiat cu nerusinare de pe alt forum dar nu m-am putut abtine.
Cititi-l cu atentie pana la sfarsit, sau cititi ... numai la sfarsit :icon_lol:

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it?

BMW Forums
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH.

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success.

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car.

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit.

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company.

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $450 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Supra Forums
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Ford forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

[mihalcea]

şefu` ăl mare

[djxme200]

Ford forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

:Violence44:

tare asta

[BogdanF]

$2MW Forums
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for?

Inseamna ca asa e peste tot cu soferii de bmw, nu semnalizeaza din principiu, si eu care ma gandeam ca asta e doar in romania.

[dtipuit]

$2

$2MW Forums
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for?

Inseamna ca asa e peste tot cu soferii de bmw, nu semnalizeaza din principiu, si eu care ma gandeam ca asta e doar in romania.

Eu cred ca as putea generaliza un pic:

Cam asa e peste tot cu soferii , nu semnalizeaza din principiu, si e mai mult in afara romaniei. :icon_biggrin:

[Zanga]

Alternative BMW Forum
- - - Does anyone on here know what the two lanes for on the passenger side of my ride are for?

Zafira Forum
- - - Can anyone give me any ideas for stopping the irritating little noises from the back seat area

Messerschmitt Bubble Car Forum

......Well I parked nose to the wall.......ermm reverse wheres the reverse?

London Taxi Forum

You'll never guess who I had in the cab last night

Jaguar forum
- - - Why do jaguar parts dept, keep sending me to Ford to get parts for my car??

Alfa Romeo forum
- - - Have any of you ever had your car running for more than 5 mins??

Porche Cayane forum
- - - Do you have problems with you wallet not fitting in your back pocket?

[Cif]

ACRU - Unitate de masura a acrelii. Ex: am o sotie de 3 acri si o soacra de 5.
ACTRITA - Matrita pentru fabricarea acelor.
BASCA - Femeie din Pirinei, cu marginile indoite inauntru.
BATALION - Fratele mai mic al plutonierului Batal Gheorghe.
BIRMANIA - Predispozitie maladiva a unui ministru de finante de a pune noi taxe si impozite.
BIROCRATIE - Democratie originala, bazata pe incasarea cit mai multor biruri, cam ca la noi.
BULDOZER - Aparat sofisticat utilizat la repartizarea in fiecare litru de sifon a 163.172.249+3 bule de CO2.
CASCA - Ordin pe care comandantul il da militarilor cu putin timp inainte de culcare.
CELULOZA - Boala capatata in inchisoare.
CIMBRU - Marca postala din Banat.
COLONEL - Intestinul subtire.
COMBINEZON - Lenjerie usoara, transparenta, purtata de lucratorii de pe combine.
CONTRADICTIE - Ceva impotriva dictiei, spre exemplu calusul.
DOGMA - "Si ce rasa zici ca e ciinele asta?
"EVADAT - Raspuns pentru "Cine dat tie mar, Adam?"
EXTRACTOR - Fost tractor la C.A.P., actualmente piese de schimb in Turcia.
FATIS - Indemn adresat celor mici.
A GENERALIZA - Verb mai mare in grad decat "a coloneliza".
GHERILA - Un mos simpaticut care daruieste copiilor din Cambodgia, Honduras si Peru cadouri dragute: mitraliere, pistoale, grenade, mortiere...
GHINION - Varianta moldoveneasca pentru ardelenescul "Bine, Ioane".
HAITI - Grupuri de lupi flaminzi care bintuie prin judetul Botosani.
HERMAFRODIT - Fetit care este baiata.
LESINA - Pe unde merge "le tren".
LEUCEMIE - Cancerul monedei nationale.
LIBERTATEA PRESEI - Privilegiu de care se bucura un ziarist la iesirea din inchisoare.
MERITORIU - Teritoriul ocupat de livada de meri.
MOLIERE - Cutiute in care se pastreaza naftalina.
NASTURE - Plasture pentru nas.
PASPARTU - Salut adresat de gazda, la plecare, unui gurmand autoinvitat de revelion.
PITON - Peste a carui lungime declarata se obtine din cea reala prin inmultire cu 3,14.
PLASTURE - Nasture din material plastic.
POLITIA CALARE - Echipaj al Politiei care se ocupa cu violurile.
RATEU - Pateu din carne de rata.
SARCINA - "Dupa cum arati, ar trebui sa sari si prinzul!"
SCARABEU - Cetatean ce locuieste la bloc, pe scara a doua; din aceeasi familie de cuvinte se cunosc scaraceu si scaradeu.
SCUMPETE - Termen dragastos adresat femeii iubite pe timp de inflatie.
SOPRAN - Cintaret cu alea mici, mici.
TRACTOR - Actor cu mult trac.
TUN - Victoria finala in asediul unei banci.
TUTUN - A-arma de-de-de a-a-artilerie.
TITA - Sin care nu ne mai place.
TURTUR - Sunetul soneriei, iarna.
VEDETA - Nava mica de razboi care se bucura de o deosebita popularitate.
YETI - Filmul lui Spielberg, "E.T.", pe ecranele Iasiului.

[Zanga]

HAYNES MANUALS

For all those aspiring car mechanics out there, this is a selection
of translated phrases from the Haynes Manual. Does any of this sound
familiar?

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly and vigorously with hammer
in the anticlockwise direction.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles on both hands, and you’ll probably get a hernia.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Well, we did warn you. How did we know you didn’t have a gorilla to remove it.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read the instructions. Move to Chapter 7:13
Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox…serves you bloody right!

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size). And lots of bandages.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: Aahhhhh!! So THAT’S what just hit the lawnmower!!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good
pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use
to you). But you’ve already started haven’t you? Tough.

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Too much for you. Take it to a dealer.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering trying this aren't you !!!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for it whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under your
breath. Then go get your fat neighbour.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,
as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to disable yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of heavy rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Pretend to know what you’re doing, and work like a thingy in front of someone you
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs
removed.
Translation: See Chapter 3:15 Removing your engine from the vehicle.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: You mean I need to louse up the new bits as I replace them too?

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...Shear…Break…

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: The contents of Two AA vans, a garage, and a specialist tool warehouse.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat. Try not to use your blowtorch near fuel lines unless you want to play the big part in Mission Impossible!

Haynes: Remove the interior door panel...
Translation: Remove the skin from all knuckles, snap half the
plastic retaining clips, lose the little metal clippy thing that
holds the window winder in place...damage the hardboard panel, and make sure the window glass drops off it’s runners into the door cavity.

Haynes: This is a job we recommend you trust to your dealer.
Translation: You’re too ******* stupid to do it. Idiot!

Haynes: Make sure that the vehicle doesn’t pull to one side when braking.
Translation: You’ve left your jack under the car.

[Zanga]

Haynes: Fault Finding;

Battery won’t hold it’s charge for more than a few hours It’s f***ed!
Engine rotates but will not start Try putting the spark plugs back
Difficulty engaging gears Mmmm. That bit you had left over perhaps?
Instrument readings inaccurate Cables dragging on the road
Engine runs on after switching off Chase it! Hurry Now!
Clicking or knocking when turning. Squirrel trapped in brake disc cover
Excessive fuel consumption Some **** has siphoned your tank
Wheel wobble and Vibration Fit tyres.
Horn Inoperative Wind window down. Shout abuse instead.
No charge Thanks!!

[Cristian]

Unitate de masura pentru prostie-BECALUL

[Zanga]

Unitate de masura pentru im/potenta "columbeanul" aka "virinelul"

PS: transformare 10 "vanghelii" = 1 "becal"

[ddexter]

Astea sunt d la Carcotashi, nu?

[Zanga]

Sunt peste tot acuma, si mass pe msg, si la carcotasi....peste tot

[Paulp]

Badea Gheo sta pe munte un an, stringe banuti la chimir si apoi coboara

in oras sa se distreze. Din pacate nimereste inr-un club de gay si

travestiti.

Alege o "fata" si merg la asta acasa .

-Fa-te comod, te servesc cu o bere, ceva ? Intreaba tipul .

-Da, zice Gheo. Gay-ul merge la frigider si realizeaza ca Gheo nu

intelege fenomenul si se intoarce zicind.

-Stii, de fapt eu nu am clitoris, intelegi?

-Bine, zice Gheo, atunci ada-mi o Haineken

:icon_rolleyes:

[Ciprian Damboianu]

Tocmai citeam "Ziarul de Iasi" pe net si an dat de urmatoarea veste. Cum stiu ca are de a face cu Ford, nu m-am putut abtine sa copiez articolul. Se ridica unele intrebari, dar ideea e universala, Garcea este peste tot!
-------------------------------
Articolul:
O americanca a fost ranita de o masina condusa de un ciine politist
O americanca din Utah a fost grav ranita de o masina de politie al carei unic ocupant, un ciine politist, apasase pe pedala de acceleratie. Un agent de politie din orasul Ogden fusese chemat pentru a rezolva o disputa conjugala si lasase ciinele in masina. Motorul autovehiculului nu fusese oprit pentru ca aparatul de aer conditionat sa functioneze in continuare. Ofiterul de politie s-a gindit ca animalul, care raspunde la numele de Ranger, nu trebuie sa sufere de caldura. "Ciinele a reusit sa apese pe pedala de acceleratie, masina fiind dotata cu cutie automata, iar vehiculul, asezat in panta, a inceput sa ruleze", a explicat locotenentul Marcy Korgenski, de la politia din Ogden. Vehiculul s-a oprit in gradina lui Mary Stone chiar cand aceasta isi lua corespondenta. Femeia a nimerit sub rotile masinii si a trebuit sa fie spitalizata din cauza unei fracturi de bazin. "Este tragic faptul ca a fost ranita", a comentat Korgenski. Ea a precizat ca animalul, unul dintre cei trei ciini politisti folositi de politia din acest oras care numara 80.000 locuitori, nu va fi pedepsit. "Nu cred ca Ranger a inteles cu adevarat ce s-a intimplat", a declarat Korgenski.

-----------------------------------
Mai, da' "stept si javra si politaiu'. Eu lociuesc in America si cunost masinile Ford Crown Victoria pe care politia le foloseste. Cam prostovan politaiul. Daca a parcat-o in panta, in mod normal trebuia sa apese si frina de mina (care e o pedala mica in stinga linga usa) dupa ce a pus masina in "Park"; altfel strici transmisia daca o pui in panta. Motorul de obicei politistii nu il opresc, pentru a tine computerul de pe bord "cald" - daca au nevoie sa comunice sau sa verifice niste date; sau ca sa isi mentina posteriorul la racoarea aerului conditionat cind revin la masina. Dar tot nu imi pot explica cum a reusit potaia sa scoata masina din "Park" si s-o puna in "Neutral" si apoi in "Drive". Pentru operatia asta trebuie sa tragi maneta schimbatorului automat (care e la volan) spre piept si apoi in jos prin Neutral in Drive. Find in panta, Neutral e de ajuns ca masina sa inceapa sa ruleze la vale. Si inca ceva, masinile de politie K9 (pentru transportul ciinilor politisti) au o cusca speciala in locul banchetei din spate. Javra trebuia sa fie acolo, nu la volan! Departamentul respectiv de politie este acum bun de plata! Traiasca avocatii!